The curious thing about being in this current stage of life is that instead of figuring out who I am, I’m figuring out who I’m not. Which, I guess by process of elimination, means that I actually AM figuring out who I am.

Why does being a young adult have to be so confusing? I keep thinking that I’m going to get into a routine, start moving in a direction, and all of the pieces will fall into place. Instead, I feel like a stranger in my own life. I go to work and I feel like an imposter – wearing business-y clothes and sitting at a desk day in and day out. Going to meetings in the city. Who am I? This isn’t me. Can’t they see straight through this charade? I don’t belong here.

I’m the girl who wears Converse to work in case I have to do some running. I have music playing in my headphones for 8 hours straight. I read incessantly and plan out all of the places I can’t wait to visit. I take the long way home because I see less cement and traffic that way. I’m inspired by people who are inspired. I write down everything all the time because my brain never stops. There are stories everywhere and little things speak to me.

My brain is a bloody mess. As soon as I settle on something, I get another idea and then I’m stuck in the same scenario, chasing my tail and wondering what I’m really supposed to be doing with my life. The newest dilemma is deciding whether or not to go to grad school. There are so many things to think about – money, jobs, time. I gave myself a year after graduation to figure it out, and I’ve reached the deadline and I still don’t know what to do.

For all of my OCD left-brain tendencies, I’m actually a pretty even mix of both and the force is strong in my right-brain right now. It’s almost like, until you don’t use that part of yourself anymore, you don’t know what you’re missing. And then it hits you like a ton of bricks.

The real problem is knowing that you need to be getting your life together, but you don’t know how. And all of the little steps don’t seem to be matching up to create that ideal conglomerate. Okay, I got my degree. Check. I got a full-time job. Check. I still live at home. Wait…

I’m not necessarily trying to speed up the process – I really do like being young. I wouldn’t want to be anything else. But it would be nice to be a little bit less confused about life. To have a direction and be moving forward.

To quote my spirit animal Taylor Swift: “We’re happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time. It’s miserable and magical.” OH YEAH. She’s not wrong. It’s the oxymoron of the young adult’s existence. Let me know if you figure out the secret, okay?

In the meantime, I’ll be here.

xo M


3 thoughts on “Confused

  1. You are such a wonderfully expressive writer! Mr. C said L-O-V-E one day will even give it a whole another direction. Then children. Then empty nesting. Then Retirement. 🙂


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